Tired of being treated like a cat with slobber or a hypercarnivorous canary? Wishing that your human were better-behaved, and wondering how to improve your relationship? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Humans these days know far too much, and dogs rely on a little bit of mystery to keep their lives somewhat frisky and free. On the other hand, your clever-clogs know-it-all people still believe the darnedest things about you – and they need your help to show them the truth. In this guide, we discuss the basics of the human animal and try to identify which sort of human parent you have. (Is it The Stodge? The Camp Director? The Fusspot? Or The Absentee?) We’ll look at strategies for getting more of everything you want: food, fun, frolics; and less of what you hate: dull routine, spartan living, and shampoo – to name but three. A happier relationship is just around the corner – and your human will think they did it themselves, when the real genius behind the improvement is you!
From the book:
Woof-Woof (or: the introduction)
Let’s face it: you’re having a wonderful time. Ever since your Uncle Urk, several thousand times removed, decided to befriend Flint (the male human) and Oofy (his lady love), a dog’s life has been…a dog’s life. You have the best of everything: shelter from weather, a place on the rug, and the protection of the world’s Biggest Cheese. Not to mention that humans are the only beings in the universe to have discovered a) feather pillows and b) the pepperoni and anchovy pizza. If only opossums had had the sense to make themselves Man’s Best Friend. Or aardvarks. But they didn’t, so they’ve been left behind. Your own standard of living, over thousands of years with humankind, has progressed from somewhat fine to totally terrific.
Materially, you know what I mean. Your coat is lush and free of fleas, and even your breath is sweet: vultures don’t soar overhead when you pant, now that mint-chews and toothpaste are a habit. You get coats in winter and rides in cars – and we’re not talking chariots, baby.
On the other hand, your freedom is in tatters. When did humans start outfoxing you so often instead of the other way around?
All text and images © A J Brenchley, except for book-cover and music thumbnails and film images, unless otherwise noted. Gallery photos are © A J Brenchley and Sea Edge Photography, 2012, 2013.